Cross-Post! I Win

Would you like to read some of the things I think about that are a little (or a lot) less preachy and a little more like what I usually talk about in real life, face-to-face conversations with people who I consider to be my relatively good friends?

Maybe not if I speak in sentences that long.

But in case that was not enough to deter you: www.lamaisondelara.blogspot.com

Today I was thinking in international photography terms. Have a good one!

Will the Real Men Stand Up?

Today, something happened that seems to happen a lot.

I was talking to a friend who met another friend of mine by total coincidence not too many days before, which I thought was pretty cool. I asked what she thought of him. "He was so friendly and nice!" she answered emphatically. "...does he have a girlfriend?"

I couldn't help but chuckle a little. "Get in line."

I am not blaming her at all; my mind reverts to that exact same curiosity whenever I happen to meet a friendly and nice guy. (Like, genuinely friendly and nice. You can tell.) How is it that some guys are magnetic like that, immediately earning the approval and admiration of most of the girls they meet?

(I'm kind of talking campus ministry atmosphere, but this probably happens everywhere.)

It's really sad, but so many girls are starving for polite, respectful attention. Someone who has no romantic motives -- simply trying to get to know you better -- can easily win the hearts of a dozen or so girls just because they listen for a second and make her feel welcome and interesting.

A myriad of crap can come out of this. Girls can start "peeing on" guys, or marking them territorially, becoming upset or jealous whenever another girl moves in on "her" property, even though the guy never made any agreement of exclusivity. Girls can start trying to initiate something that isn't there with such an oblivious friendly guy, only to be let down with the "let's just be friends" card. And on the other side of the coin, other guys can get frustrated by how their friends seem to be drowning in female admiration without really trying, while they are going out of their way to try and win over just one to no avail.

I'm not out to blame anybody; there's enough man-hate going around in this world. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to hear girls ranting at the lunch table about how guys are no good and can't do anything right, and lie all the time, and only think about one thing. I'm blessed to have some very solid brothers in Christ who are nothing of the sort. These, in fact, are the guys that really have more female attention than they know what to do with -- if they notice it to begin with.

The funny thing is, there are just a lot of little things that guys could learn to do that would have a huge impact on how they are seen by the kinds of girls they want to be with, if they want to get serious. It's probably not the approach to get a one or two time thing with a girl, but it just about hurts my heart to see so many fellas who want something real and just aren't doing it 100% right. And so, dear readers, might I share with you some of the things that make a difference to me, as a young woman in college who is not so interested in just some bunky ol' scrub?

I mean, I very well may not be the kind of girl for you and therefore give you permission to disregard the following information, but I am willing to bet a lot of girls might agree on these things. I'm coming from the point of view of a Christ-following girl who would eventually consider a Christ-following guy. I also ask that you not tell me I'm not your kind of girl because it may hurt my feelings for a few seconds. I make a comeback, though.

So, without further ado, I give you...

Lara's Man Advice for Men Who Want to Be Real Men

1. Ask a girl questions about herself. It may be tempting even to think that she might want to hear all about all the great things you do and think, and prove what a nice or interesting guy you are that way, but please ask her questions about herself. If she's a keeper, she will do the same to you.

2. Show you are paying attention to the answers. Eye contact (but not staring like a maniac!) goes a long way. Nod and smile. The indifferent rebel man really isn't that cute. A lot of mature girls are really talented at making someone feel like they are being listened to and cared about, so sometimes it's a ball in the man's court to do the same thing.

3. Keep some reasonable personal space boundaries until you have a mutual understanding with a girl that something is going on. A hug is not poisonous. A pat on the shoulder won't kill anyone. I might sound crazy, but please hear me out on this one: you can't undo getting too touchy-feely with someone. If you aren't dating a girl, please, for the love of God, don't make her feel like you can't keep your hands to yourself, even if it's innocent. It's unfair to put her in a position where she may feel like you are overstepping your place as a plain friend and bears the burden if telling you to back off.

4. For that matter, just make sure things are mutual before you go nuts. I'm serious. Don't let yourself fall under the delusion that things are "understood" unless they are literally "understood." Think of how to break down the word understand: to stand under. You are standing under the same thing, the same belief, the same umbrella. If you haven't talked about it aloud, you just might be standing under two very different umbrellas -- fix it!

5. "No" generally means "no." So a lot of girls impishly swoon over Noah in The Notebook because he didn't give up on Allie, and basically kept harassing her into falling in love with him. In real life, though, I know that I personally would not be so thrilled. I wouldn't say "no" unless I meant it, because it's unpleasant enough to have to say it in the first place. So if your invitation is unfortunately declined, I politely ask you to let it well enough alone for the time being. Take a lesson from Mr. Darcy: Elizabeth rejected him, he simply sent a letter to express the areas in which he felt she was mistaken about him, and after some time had passed, told her that he still cared for her, but that if her feelings were unchanged, he would never bother her again. Word. Look how it turned out!

6. Don't be socially defensive. I kind of want to publish a paper in a psychological journal just because I coined this phrase all by myself. Basically, being socially defensive is shifting the burden onto the girl to tell it like it is. If you continuously ask her to do something one-on-one without explicitly stating your intentions, you are putting her in a place where if she says no, she can be accused of sounding rude for assuming so much about one innocent trip to Steak 'n' Shake; if she says yes, she can be accused of leading you on by going on a whole date to Steak 'n' Shake. Don't say self-deprecating things ("I get it, you're just too busy to hang out with me!" "I bet you just have tons of other guys to do stuff with!") to pressure her into having to make you feel better about yourself, and then get mad when you find out that she really is too busy and has a guy to do stuff with already!

7. Instead, be a gentleman and let yourself take the fall. A real relationship involves sacrifice. There really is no more revealing an action than how well a guy can put himself at risk of hearing what he doesn't want to, opening himself to outright rejection. But truthfully, the kind of rejection involved here will hurt a lot less than rejection after a guy fails to be vulnerable, making the object of his "pursuit" feel so much pressure that she snaps to get the point across. I have yet to meet a girl who really enjoys turning an honest, earnest guy down. For the record: it makes me feel like I am literally about to throw up, and makes me sink with dread. If you really care about someone, make it easier for her to express herself truthfully and she may just find it easier to take you seriously.

8. Intentionally hanging out one-on-one oftentimes smells a lot like something more than just friends. I won't make any blanket statements. But in general, either one person or the other is bound to get confused if you hang out alone on purpose. You know how annoyed you get when other people ask you what's going on or wink at you? It's because they think it smells an awful lot like dating, too. You make the same assumptions about other people. Running into someone at Starbucks is one thing; it'd be awkward and kind of dumb to avoid them just because no one else is there keeping you company. But think long and hard -- and be sure you have a real "understanding" -- if you really want to do something as just the two of you. It doesn't have to be a marriage proposal. Just call it what it is!

9. Therefore, the best way to get to know someone better before even trying to move on to the coffee date is finding yourselves in a group of good friends. One of the things that stands out to me first about someone is how he interacts with guy friends in front of girl friends, and vice versa. If he is telling obnoxious jokes or taking cracks at girls (rating their appearance, making jokes about them, etc.), I'm just about shut down. But if he's having good conversation and laughing about things with lots of people, it's pretty clear that he's a nice guy who cares about others. Paying a girl real attention in a group also makes it a little less of a shock if you try to get to know her better later over food, just the two of you.

10. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. There is no exact recipe for life. But if you go by a good, general guideline, things will usually turn out pretty well. If you want to earn the trust of other people, see things from their point of view, and do what you can to put them at ease and just make things more convenient and comfortable for them. If you are inviting someone to do something, find out what she likes and have a plan in place already when you ask, and do it in a way where she really does feel like she has a choice. Is that so hard? If you already tell the world that you are living your life to serve God and serve others, then double-check that you're really doing it! Nobody is perfect, but the help of the Holy Spirit collides with the desire and motivation to change, transforming even persecutor, murderer Saul of Tarsus into the apostle Paul. (See Romans 8:5, 1 Timothy 1:15-16.)

Whew.

Perhaps one day I will formulate the counterpart advice I would give to my fellow sisters in Christ, but for now, this alone will have to suffice.

Consider it one woman's view. These are all things that I have seen that have impacted me enough to remember them all as written, the first ten thoughts that come to mind when I think about what it is that makes some guys so lovable to girls, and what it is that some guys probably need to stop and think about.

I don't know who to attribute so much of the thirst women have for a guy who lets them have a thread of genuine, caring attention; there are billions of things to blame. Rather, I hope that we can all see reality for what it is, and form a plan of reaction.

The principle for all to consider is, what can I do to be a part of bringing redemption to this broken world in how I live my life?

EDIT: Oh man, I just thought of something so important that I forgot to put in, so I am breaking the nice and clean "10 Rules" to make a #11:

11. Don't inundate someone with only serious/relationship-oriented conversation. This is something quite a few Christian guys might suffer from at times -- and lots of girls, for that matter -- but I am sticking it to the audience of this list for now. Listen, there's nothing wrong with just talking about things like movies, books, current events, whatever. I would save the confessions of past error until after you have both agreed to make things exclusive; it's kind of overwhelming. Even after you are in a real, defined relationship with someone, you don't always have to talk about your relationship, how far you have come with one another, theories on love, etc. (And if you aren't in a relationship... hoo boy. Take it easy. Way easy.) This just about terrifies the other person half to death. The love of your life should be your best friend, and best friends tend to keep it light-hearted! Don't ruin something fun by diving needlessly into something serious. The times to talk about those are patently obvious and once you really know someone, you'll figure out when they appear.

The end. For now.

Ante Up the Cool Factor

Trendiness makes me sick sometimes. And I think the thing that makes me sickest the most is how much I see it in myself when I look in the mirror.

If you have ever been acquainted with the majesty of Stuff White People Like, you may have gone through the list of things that -- gasp! -- white people like, calculated how many apply to you, and groaned at how cool you think you are. I think I took the quiz in the back of the book they published (because I own it) and came out at about 60%. That's just plain ridiculous. 60% of things that are super trendy, hip, and socially acceptable today are things that I am all about, man.

We tend to congregate around other people who are "in" like us, too. I know I immediately feel more at ease as soon as a new acquaintance and I start name-dropping favorite jazz greats, Cohen brothers films, ethnic food varieties, tea shops. (I'm so trendy I could barf.) It's so easy to shape the day around seeing people that make us look and feel cool, and doing stuff that will be fun to look at later in tagged Facebook pictures. Feeling funny and interesting is a high unlike any other, because it seems like with confidence like that, there's no need for anything else in the world.

When this sort of drug wears off though, leaving us as crippled as any crack addict, is when we are alone, with no one laughing at our witty, pop culture laced jokes or admiring our aluminum water bottles. We are who we truly are when we are lying in our beds, too plagued with thoughts and questions to let sleep drag us under its spell. Even after a night spent wreaking havoc at the beach with my friends -- which I did last night -- I can still return home feeling like I have nothing in this world of worth to cling to -- which I did last night.

This might be a redundant thought from me, and you might be tired of reading about it, but chances are that if I have to keep preaching to myself about the lie that this is a Laracentric universe, then chances are that you might be struggling through the same thing. Different facets of this issue, deeply rooted in who I am as a human being, keep hitting the light to be revealed to me at last. All the sources of my pride, however false and alluringly veiled they may be, are slowly being ripped from the soil of my heart to lie on the top for me to see.

Here lies another: the coolness factor.

While I'm busy finding something comfortable enough to keep me from looking like I'm trying too hard but stylish enough to show people my oh-so quirky imagination, I am still looking in the mirror at me, me, me.

"Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." Mark 9:35

People are there to make me feel adequate and satisfactory, not hurting and in need of someone to stop talking to my popular friends and lend a caring ear.

Social causes are there to make me feel aware and guilt people into being less enthusiastic about the world than I am, rather than represent problems that deserve more than a t-shirt, but heartbreak and help that requires true sacrifice on my part.

Blogs and such are there to make me feel like I have deep and important thoughts that everyone needs to hear and admire, instead of simply confessing to the ugly parts of me and sharing the one thing that has the potential to clean even the darkest blots on my heart: Jesus Christ.

If my faith and my life are one, then there's no room for this obsession to be cool, even a "cool" Christian whom outsiders can look at and go, "Hey! That girl is at a hookah bar? Maybe Christians aren't so weird after all!" I mean, being genuine and relatable to people is great and pretty vital, but may these pursuits never become more important than pursuing the cross to lay down my false gods, one by one. I am coming to the point where I don't care if people think I'm weird if I feel the overwhelming need to pray alone or read the Word than go get milkshakes with my friends in Campus Crusade. When all else fades away, the moments I spent in communion and fellowship with my God will surpass the moments I spent making sure I made it to that party so that I would be in on the blossoming inside jokes and bonds.

Let's make this life a deep one. Intentionally seek those who hurt for someone to care about their sorrows. Give up having a touch-screen cell phone to feed those who have so much less than we do. Turn down the offer to take the best job in the world with the best salary and throw yourself into humbly living to serve for the rest of your days.

"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17

Two Masters

One of my most favorite things in the world is when several different things -- books, movies, conversations, whatever -- collide in my brain to reinforce one particular idea.

And you know I didn't just say that for no reason.

In my Microeconomics class on Tuesday, we learned about a man named Edward Bernays, who was one of the first marketing masterminds of the 20th century. Obsessed with how masses of people thought and acted, and what could trigger their emotions and desires, this psychoanalyst became the go-to man for any company in need of a major sales boost. Cigarette companies turned to him to find a clever way to get women to smoke, doubling their demographic -- he staged publicity events and wrote catchphrases all to make it socially acceptable. His propaganda was used for World War II to rouse American spirits, to get us to buy new cars and clothes, and even to make us think that President Coolidge was a hip guy who invited celebrities to the White House. Basically, he took pride in his ability to control the masses.

I was disgusted as I watched this documentary, because I saw the values he taught us in myself. I've been convinced that my clothes needed replacing merely because they were no longer in fashion. I have far more shoes than I'll ever need for all different occasions. I lust after material goods, knowing they will lose their luster moments after I spend money to have them, just because this guy has the media telling us that these things make us happy, we need them, they'll make us more popular, blah blah blah. I don't know about you, but I can't stand the thought of people telling me how to think, and look how easy it is.

Fast forward to today. I was doing a bit of light reading, Tortured for Christ by Richard Wurmbrand (that was irony, by the way), which details the author's experiences in communist Russia as a preacher of the gospel in hostile times. He's been thrown in prison and tortured for a total of 14 years, and the doctors he saw upon leaving prison the first time told him it was a miracle he was alive. He talked about young men being thrown into prison for approaching the prime minister and sharing the gospel with him, and being killed nearly immediately afterwards for it. (Interestingly, the PM did accept Christ just before he died, remembering their words before they were dragged off.) Secret police officers were converted to faith and then put in the same cells as the people they persecuted before, beaten in the same way, regardless of their rank. Beautiful young Russian girls were abducted on their wedding day, the moment when they were at the peak of their radiance, to be mutilated and distorted through torture by the prison guards. These people gave anything and everything for what they believed. They would rather have their teeth kicked out or be put in a box with nails driven through the sides than sell out either their fellow Christian brethren, or their torturers. They would be taken mid-preaching to be whipped and kicked and burned with a hot poker, and come back bruised and bloodied asking where they had left off.

These kind of people find that nothing is too precious in this world to be traded for the majesty of Christ. Rather, they refused to trade their steadfastness in Jesus for steadfastness in physical beauty, money, status, popularity, or comfort. I was absolutely moved by their refusal to buy into any lie that there is lasting joy to be found in anything, but hope in a love that transcends life itself.

It's pretty obvious where these ideas intersect and fuse, and these two things combined to become this fire in my heart about what I waste. I waste money on things that I don't need and won't care about in five years. I waste time on things that I'll forget by tomorrow and that won't have changed a thing on the face of this earth for the good of anyone. All of my selfish, short-sighted thoughts were like chaff in my soul, and the Holy Spirit began to burn it up as I meditated on Bernays' mass consumption and Wurmbrand's rejection of anything but the hope of eternal life in Jesus Christ.

I'm sick and tired of being complacent with planning for a comfortable job in an office, waiting to be courted by a financially-comfortable man to live in a comfortable suburban house, living a comfortable life with our children, living out my faith by making snacks for vacation bible school and then spending the rest of my time deciding what color to paint my front door.

I feel God is preparing me to step out after graduation with no idea where I'm going, to marry someone as crazy as I am to live our lives for the gospel (or even go it alone if I absolutely must), and to think every day: "A year ago today, I had no idea I'd be doing this."

If I profess something to be true, I want no contradiction between how I live and how I think. And I have found no greater hope than this gospel. May our hearts be purified of this culture we live in that tells us we can compromise giving Jesus our entire beings for any lesser thing.

Father, forgive me for making it about the clothes, the make-up, the car, the music, the grades -- everything but You.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." Matthew 6:24

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

Pleasing Sacrifice

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote last. Between mid-terms and other varying obligations, it's been difficult to find time to write without feeling that I am betraying some other duty with my time and efforts.

Heh, duty. (I am still six years old and crack up at that word, but only most of the time.)

(And when people say, "I do do that!" Bahahaha!)

Anyway, this is not to say that nothing noteworthy has been going on in my head. I often wish I could take a break from the barrage of questions and struggles and revelations -- an endless cycle, it seems -- but I can say without hesitation that the wisdom I have now would have been useful several years ago, and I'm thankful to have it. That's two millimeters farther on the endless road of stuff left to figure out, though.

I find that we as human beings have trouble sacrificing things that are dear to us. If something is fun, important, or comforting to us, we have a hard time seeing any reason to let it go, even if such value that we put on it is only temporary. That momentary satisfaction or thrill is enough to keep running back to, even if the long-term results are very clearly harmful.

The contentment I find in eating a rather bare salad for dinner, or avoiding pizza and pasta like the plague, and finding my comfort in body image, is enough of a drug to which I keep running back. I know I don't want to live my whole life this way. I hate feeling tears well up in my eyes sometimes in dressing rooms, or feeling like I want to hurl after giving in to a bowl of ice cream, being disgusted with myself. It's comforting to cling to the idea of looking thin, even though it is never enough. It can't be the ultimate happiness in the world.

(By the way, I hate talking about this, but there's no point in pretending I don't have problems.)

However, I think that just about anyone can see the value of giving up things that hurt us; it's overriding common sense. Otherwise we wouldn't have rehab clinics or therapists. Anyone with a brain can understand that there are things with no immediate consequences, but that will bring ruin in the end.

I used to think this was the only kind of sacrifice I would be called to make. Obviously, God doesn't want me to do things that grieve him. Therefore, life is all about handing over the ten commandments I break -- these sins -- to him, saying, "Never mind all that, God. I'm done." Being clean of breaking the rules, I would be set, right? That's what I thought, until I read a rather challenging verse:

"You must present as the Lord's portion the best and holiest part of everything given to you." Numbers 18:29

The context here: the Lord is laying out the sacrifices that he wants of the Israelites, in the fashion that has been laid out since Genesis. Abel's offering was pleasing because it was the best of what he had. God continues to admonish -- rather, command -- the best that they have, because there is no better use for it than offering it back to the Lord, and not becoming greedy or attached to worldly things. When did we decide to be the exception to such a heart towards God, choosing what's his to control and appropriate and what isn't?

Take, for instance, the desire of 99% of Christian females, thirsting and pining to get married to Prince Charming (aka Jesus of the 21st century). This is obviously not contrary to God's word; in fact, marriage is very good! It was the Lord's design for unity between men and women, the ultimate form of service and intimacy, loving someone else more than yourself and letting your needs die so that theirs can replace them. Ideally, of course. This is one of the holiest, most sanctifying, and difficult things God uses to teach us to follow him better.

Do most of us want marriage because it's hard? Not really! We watch Disney movies and expect these perfect guys to come wait on us hand and foot, and have a void filled with mushy honeymoon love for the rest of our lives. We tend to put matters into our own hands to make this happen, because from all that I have ever been told by real people who are really married, everything is not magic and sparkles every single day. It is our inclination to be in control of such matters and delude ourselves into thinking that if God loves marriage, then he is okay with sitting in the backseat and letting us drive all over the place, off the road and swerving wherever seems best at the moment.

Because that makes a whole lot of sense.

A new and dear friend of mine named Elisabeth Elliot has really shed light on this in my reading Passion and Purity, which is quite the book! She says: "A good and perfect gift [is love], these natural desires. But so much the more necessary that they be restrained, controlled, corrected, even crucified, that they might be reborn in power and purity for God." I had never thought about that before. We have the capacity to screw up perfectly good institutions and gifts for our own glory and self-fulfillment, when both of those are only meant to be byproducts of a different motivation, which is to make God's magnificence known above all else.

So we put all kinds of things on the altar. The sins we hang onto. The gifts we keep tightly gripped in our hands. The things that we selfishly guard for ourselves, wanting to be in control, wanting to bring all attention and praise to ourselves, wanting to be blessed by and wanting it for ourselves alone. This covers just about... everything! Haha. As a self-attested control freak and perfectionist, and self-centered being extraordinaire, I can think of almost nothing that I don't want to take care of for myself and for my own good.

There is good news, though, for that which we give up to God's control: he controls it.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [food and clothing, basic needs] will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

God has a more than reasonable track record for fulfilling promises and remembering his faithful people. We might envision different blessings than what he gives, but in remembering that God is sovereign and good, it becomes less difficult to imagine that he could possibly have a more accurate idea of what I need and what will take care of me.

Therefore, offer up to God everything that cannot be pried from your hands, because he loves you too much to rob you of the freedom to control things if you want to, and keep it all for yourself. But give back to the Lord, and see what he does with the offerings. Jesus multiplied five loaves of bread and two fish into food enough for five thousand men and all their accompanying women and children.

Challenge him to do the same with the things you place on the altar.

Jams

Man, having just had a 20 minute or so conversation about music with a friend of mine has really put me in one of those moods where I just want to soak in some sweet melodies and drink tea.

And that's just what I'm doing.

All I came here to tell you was to listen to a certain piece of music. No uber-spiritual advice or ramblings this evening. I think there is something perfectly spiritual about the beauty of music, and that it is a gift from the Lord for our enjoyment.

"It's Only a Paper Moon" by Bill Charlap is just wonderful. Go listen and be pensive! :)

Does This Fit on a Candy Heart?

Happy post Singles' Awareness Day -- affectionately and cleverly abbreviated in these parts to S.A.D. I hope you blew ungodly amounts of money on the half-price chocolates at Wal-Mart and ate yourself into a sugar-induced coma.

I didn't do that, but kudos to you!

I did not take much pride in embracing this variation of the traditional holiday on February 14th; in fact, it shamed me half to death never to have had a real Valentine. I know, I know, I'm 20. The previous opportunities for Valentines to be found could only have really resulted in a note taped to a locker, or one of those candy-grams student council would sell, or something equally insignificant.

At least, it would have been insignificant to me. I assure you my male interests during my primary education were not especially headed towards any lifelong commitments, or even dates where Taco Bell and the mall movie theater were not involved in some form or another. But living in that little snow globe back then, where having a date to homecoming was not only a matter of life and death but also highly unlikely, it was next to impossible to see how anything could possibly change.

To be honest, I don't really know what it was about me that kept me in the little "no boyfriends" club. Perhaps God was just adamant that I not experience anything like that in my youth. Perhaps my pride in putting up this very independent facade in effect put up that barrier that frightened away the poor pimpled gentlemen of Orange County Public Schools. I was always inclined to think it was because I had body odor that I could not detect, or that someone had written GROSS -- STAY AWAY on my forehead with an ink that everyone but I could read.

I came into college with these hurts on my heart. Sure, I had been approached before, but when I was, it was rarely in a way that made me feel any better about myself. If anything, I felt kind of robbed or empty. I had pinned hopes and dreams on certain guys who I thought could fill the hole in my heart but none of them made an effort to fit, assuming that they fit that hole to begin with. Nothing about my past seemed to be a blessing in that area of my life, and I eagerly awaited for the circumstances to change. I was tired of this. Thus, when I read this, I got pretty pissed:

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am." I Corinthians 7:8

There are many times in this life that the very thoughts in my head were expressed in italics and with much punctuation, such as this: what?!

I would not accept this. In fact, it did occur to me that perhaps some later writer added this to Paul's letter, and that he couldn't possibly have meant that. Perhaps the canon we all thought to be true was a lie because someone let this passage get put into print. God created Eve because Adam was not meant to be alone! What on earth makes sense anymore?!

I tried reading articles and commentaries geared towards college students to gain some perspective that might open my eyes to getting this, maybe twisting it into something that Paul said but didn't mean and explain it all away, to little avail. I was not comforted by the idea that God wanted singleness for some, and relationships for others, and that he knew best. I wanted it either to be up to me so that I could fix this myself, or that the blame could be shifted on the many fools who passed up such a gorgeous and optimistic gem like me. I didn't really find solace in the idea that I'd be free to do more things. All I could envision was a future where I was living all alone, with no one to watch the History channel with at night, in a hut in Somalia as a missionary serving God. Then God would let me be killed by a band of thieves. That would be my reward for going it as a bachelorette: dying in Africa.

If you were not previously aware of the power of my imagination and just how half-empty my glass could be at times, well... now you are.

At a point, I stopped and wondered: what on earth gave me the grounds to think such things? There were so many times that I thought God had failed me before, when really he was up to something I would like the entire time. I recall when I got my rejection letter from Yale University on one day, and then a very measly financial aid offer from Rollins College on another. The thought of going to a public school, heaven forbid, gave me dry heaves. I felt so abandoned in my dreams of being some laureate scholar because I thought I had something going for me that would get me into these places.

Yet I take a look now at where I am and would have it no other way. When I first examined how this turned out, I really had to humble myself, hands in the air, surrendering the truth: "God, you knew what you were doing. Forgive my unfaithfulness and doubt. My blessings here are boundless."

I still wasn't ready then to believe that my relationship status could be the same story. I kept begging God for proof that this was a good thing, and that I had a reason to hope that I would be satisfied in the future about it. I wanted evidence that I would either have even a shot at finding a Mr. Lara who finds Russian writers enigmatic and doesn't find my 300 laugh variations annoying... or, actually be content without him. No amount of encouragement from my sisters in Christ helped, nor my mother, who lovingly advocates seeking a career as a UN diplomat and then settling down when I'm 40 with a nice man and his savings account. (90% kidding, Mom!)

When I asked for proof, boy, did I get it. And my proof, I mean a serious smack in the face.

I was lying in my bed, asking God just to explain it to me. I mumbled under my breath that his ways might not be my ways but, either way, I wanted them to make sense. And he just blew my brains out. Questions just began popping into my head one after another.

Do you even have the time to devote to that sort of thing, Lara?

Well... no. I barely have enough time to talk to the friends I already have as much as I want to.

Haven't I given you plenty of tasks to do for me that you're already up to?

Eh, I guess. Co-leading a bible study, praying regularly with friends, raising support for a mission trip, and just being a good friend to everybody -- believers and not -- is a pretty hefty list of things to pay attention to.

Haven't I shown you that other people do like spending time with you and value you?

I suppose being asked out on the occasional coffee date and answering my phone a couple of times a week isn't a bad sign.

When have I given you reason to doubt me?

When you are seized by conviction, it is one of the most terrifying but satisfying feelings you'll ever have. This regret that it took me so long to begin to understand gripped my insides like a vice, but at the same time I felt the tension flee my cowering shoulders. God knows what he's doing. He's shown me plenty of times that he has a plan for me, and it's a good one. I have always had things in my immediate future to look forward to. The only times I really grieved were the times I tried to look further than I had any reason to see.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

The blessings I've had all along came rushing in. It's nice knowing that I can just get up and go whenever I have a chance to do something crazy, be it fly to Bosnia or whatever. I don't have to worry about the needs of anyone else. I don't have to balance my time spent with friends and doing God's work with time spent loving someone else the way God calls us to when marriage comes into the picture. I don't know how much time I am going to have to go by my maiden name, and I kind of like it, so I can't just let it go to waste!

Now, I am still quite confident that I want Mr. Lara to come sweep me off my feet with orange roses in one hand and pita chips in the other. (I'm a quirky gal to impress.) However, I have a reason to hope and be patient. God's timing is the one timing that I have nothing apart from, and it's not up to me to go and get things going for myself. Stepping off the path God has carved for me is a fairly disturbing thought when I think of the glory to be found by staying on and trekking.

I am loved and protected already by the most important I AM.

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 8:4